The Way it Is
Everything is predetermined. There's nothing you can do but accept it.
There is nothing like Outdoor School. There is nothing like Namanu. Every time I go, it is different and magical. It all goes by too fast. This week was a hard one and not my best, but still amazing. I have never been out with so many people I know. There were 5 people from my school and I knew 3 others from previous weeks. I started off the week super stressed out from school and stupid calculus that I don’t understand and wondered why I was stressing myself out by going to ODS. I slept horribly that night and even dreamt that I had driven home to sleep in my own bed. I was awakened by campers that needed to pee right after I fell asleep. In the morning, I woke up with a sore throat which is not a good way to start off the week. However, my week got progressively better. There were tons of first timers so I found myself constantly in a leadership position and I taught nearly all of the dismissal songs. It was nice having seniority but also stressful. The problem with knowing so many people is that I didn’t feel as compelled to reach out to others and didn’t connect to my cabin partner as much. However, I did become closer to the people I already knew.
It’s weird going back to ODS after people have graduated. It’s weird being the oldest, I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I’m a senior. You can definitely recognize the maturity difference between the grades. Even seniors are still immature.
Namanu is one of the most beautiful places on earth. I found myself constantly exclaiming at its beauty. The river is my favorite place to go and I love just sitting by Walker Creek and contemplating life. There’s not enough down time at Namanu to truly enjoy it though. I feel like most of the time I don’t realize how great it is until after I am gone. Afterwards I wish I had done things different. I wish I had connected with my cabin partner and a lot of the other newbies more. I wish I had had more time to spend by the river. I wish some things went differently. I wish I was still there. But it is what it is now. I can’t change anything. That’s what Spring is for. I seriously want to spend my life at Namanu or ODS, but know I can’t. That’s not what I am supposed to do. Maybe a session or too, but I can’t stay for long. It is too good to be true. I admire the staff at ODS, they are my idols. They are spectacular people and can make or break a week. I really wish a lot of the PLs hadn’t left. And I still haven’t fully realized the fact that my FI is leaving, after only 4 weeks back. The staff aren’t the same this time around, they are still learning and are way different. But change is supposed to be good. My PM was amazing at least!
The only bad thing about going to ODS is coming back. There’s almost nothing I hate more. Back to my phone, emails, the internet, homework, drama, life, responsibility. Why can’t life just be like outdoor school? Once I get back, it’s back to avoiding homework and college applications and worrying about school this and that.
I feel empty. I wonderful week of my life has just ended. Now it is back to the ordinary tempo of my life. So many questions, so much confusion. I can’t interpret my feelings. There is a pit in my stomach from outdoor school. The only way to fill it is to go back. It makes me want to graduate early and volunteer for a session. But I worry, will ODS lose its charm? It’s different every time and it’s not always the best. But it still proves to be one of the most influential experience of my life. What is it about ODS? The people. The environment. The kids. Everyone is their self. There is no faking your personality, people accept you for who you are. You can be as crazy or weird as you like. The people are like you. They are way different but all come for similar reasons. There is rarely the person that doesn’t want to be there.
Oh Namanu.
